


Not More Chill

by SophieSays



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Be More Chill - Freeform, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-06 07:48:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15881685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophieSays/pseuds/SophieSays
Summary: Jeremy manages to blunder his way through the summer after the S.Q.U.I.P. incident, but while he was struggling with his own self-loathing and PTSD. He started distancing himself from Michael, it wasn't fair to drag his best friend down with him, right? Of course not, he had already hurt Michael far more than he ever wanted, so there was no way in hell he would get Michael involved in his steadily declining mental state. That was the right choice, his only option. Wasn't it?





	1. New Year, New Start?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for clicking on this story. This first chapter was a tough one to write. Depression and anxiety are very clearly represented, I don't want to spoil it obviously. But if such topics are triggering for you, just be warned. Enjoy!

Chapter One   
New Year, New Start

 

Jeremy stared at his computer, he had been staring at the blank, white screen for nearly half an hour. When he had first opened up the still empty web browser, Jeremy had intended on… checking his email. But he found himself unable to… check his email like he used to. Every time he even considered typing the letter P into the search bar, he experienced a strange form of PTSD. The fear of getting painfully zapped still lingered in his subconscious.   
The S.Q.U.I.P. was long gone. After Michael’s quick thinking and just awesome friendship skills, it had effectively been disabled. After a tad more research, and the help of a few new friends. Jeremy was more than positive that the S.Q.U.I.P. would never be a problem for him or anyone else he personally knew. But that wasn’t his problem, he knew the oblong pill was gone for good, but everything he did somehow brought his mind back to the question ‘what would my squip do?’   
He hated being trapped in his own pit of self-doubt. But for as much as the S.Q.U.I.P. had helped him when it was still in his brain, the lasting damage left Jeremy off worse than he was before he decided to swallow the quantum computer. His stutter had started up again for one thing and it had gotten worse. He had finally discarded his ‘humiliation sheets’ but his anxiety practically tripled. All Jeremy really wanted to do was fold up into a paper-airplane and just glide really, really far away. Unfortunately, he wasn’t paper, and Jeremy figured gliding was not something he was actually capable of doing.   
So, yeah, there wasn’t going to be any… email checking for a while. Groaning in frustration, Jeremy slammed the lid of his computer shut. It was stupid. He didn’t really need to watch his email. But there was something about mentally being incapable that made Jeremy loath himself. How could such a small boring looking fucking PILL make so much of his life suck!? Getting out of his plastic desk chair, Jeremy paced his room, throwing hateful glances in the general direction of his laptop. He needed the ability to hate something, anything and an inanimate object seemed to be the best option.   
Not everything post-S.Q.U.I.P. had been bad. For one, he wasn’t being a massive asshole to his best friend. He had Christine, Rich, Jake, hell, even Chloe tolerated him enough to try and hold a conversation. They weren’t Michael, but they were friends and that was more than he started with. No, he wasn’t popular, but he didn’t want to be popular in the first place. He just wanted to, not be a loser.   
He wasn’t a loser, exactly. He was more of a lowkey geek. Just with more anxiety and regrets. Jeremy wanted to believe that his social status had risen in some way. And he had more friends, so it had in a weird way, but besides new people to talk to, he was in the same boat he’d been in before the S.Q.U.I.P. It was strange like he had been transported back in time, post-S.Q.U.I.P. had left him as just plain old Jeremy. Jeremy with poor social skills and a crappy fashion sense.   
Tomorrow would give Jeremy a more precise understanding of his actual social status. The first day of junior year. A new kind of hell. If teenage attention spans were as short as he knew them to be, everyone would already have forgotten about the strange incident that occurred during the school plays first performance. That or no one would care, because they had more interesting things to think about.   
That was good for two reasons. The first being that no one would remember Jeremy. The second went along the lines of a fresh-ish start. Jeremy had a chance to not be such a lame person. He might finally be able to grasp the art of being ‘chill’ though if he was honest with himself. That wasn’t going to happen. 

“Jeremy!” the sound of Jeremy’s dad yelling from the bathroom served as an unwanted alarm clock. Mumbling a few indecipherable curse words intended for his dad. Jeremy literally rolled out of bed. The impact of floor to face shocked him into wakefulness. In his half-asleep mind, Jeremy hadn’t taken into account that gravity existed, so now he had a sore shoulder and his nose hurt worse than that time Michael had punched his arm after they got into a fight. Michael had felt terrible, after the impact of course, but it was the hardest Jeremy had ever been hit. Until just now.   
Gasping in pain, Jeremy’s not throbbing arm jerked up to cup his stinging nose. A few gentle touches left his fingers with trace amounts of blood. Swearing, audibly this time Jeremy jumped up and started to stumble to the bathroom. Of course, his dad was in it. Knocking loudly on the door, he kept one hand under his nose, which was now home to a small pool of blood.  
It would be his luck to screw up his face on the first day of school. Because why wouldn’t he break his freaking nose.   
“DAD! I need in!” A few grunts from the other side of the door later and his dad poked his face out. Frowning at Jeremy’s disheveled state, his eyebrows shooting up when he focused in on Jeremy’s bleeding face.   
“Whaa?” Rolling his eyes Jeremy shoved the door open more, though he instantly regretted that decision.  
“Jeezus, dad!” In his rush to not bleed all over everything, Jeremy had walked in on his dad, completely naked. It was by far worse than his habit of walking around the house in only boxers.   
“What, now I’m not allowed to be naked in my own bathroom?” Jeremy wanted to fall through the floor, maybe get stuck in the center of the earth for the rest of eternity. While, yes Jeremy did force his way into the bathroom. His dad had clearly already dried off, he was literally just HANGING OUT NAKED IN THE BATHROOM.  
“Just, get a towel or something.” His dad muttered something about how soft modern kids where which didn’t even make sense to Jeremy because he doubted many people liked just walking in on their naked dads. His dad left the bathroom, still uncovered, but at this point as long as he wasn’t in the same room, Jeremy didn’t care.   
Looking at himself in the mirror brought a small sense of relief. His nose, at the very least, wasn’t broken. So, a win? Taking a few minutes to mop up the blood, Jeremy shoved half a tissue up each nostril. Staring at his reflection always gave Jeremy mixed feelings, at the moment he looked a bit crazy because of the tissues slowly turning red from the blood. On a normal day, he was okay with the way his nose jutted out sharply, or how his impossibly flat brown hair just naturally lay limply over his head. Jeremy knew he wasn’t, ugly per say, but he wasn’t a looker either. Re-adjusting the pink tinted tissues, he reminded himself there was plenty of time for self-deprecation later. Jeremy turned on his heel and went back into his bedroom.  
Getting dressed took about two minutes, a plain blue T-shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans. Simple, not ugly, but it wouldn’t stand out in a crowd. Scrambling around for his backpack, Jeremy grabbed his phone off his nightstand. The time that flashed on the screen made him realize how late it was. He had slept through his alarm, and his dad had only bothered to wake him up with ten minutes to spare, more like two now.   
He’d already missed the bus, so walking was his only option. It would be running if he wasn’t out the door in the next thirty seconds.   
“BYE DAD!” He yelled as he cascaded down the narrow stairway that leads to the main floor of their house. His dad didn’t respond, but Jeremy wasn’t going to wait for an answer. The awkward speed walk to school that followed involved him realizing he still had tissues stuffed up his nose, which he promptly removed and a facepalm when he discovered he had left his deodorant at home.  
Great, smelly AND bloody on the first day of school, awesome start to the year. 

“Dude, you look like absolute shit.” Michael gave him a stupid grin that basically said, ‘did I miss out on your first fight?’ Rolling his eyes with an exasperated sigh, Jeremy pulled open his locker and pulled out his geometry book, shoving it into his backpack. “Seriously, Jeremy, what the hell happened to your face?” Ignoring Michael, Jeremy started down the hall, he wasn’t in the mood to explain how he had rolled out of bed onto his nose. “Did someone like, punch you or something? Man, c’mon what happened!?”  
“I got in a fight-” Jeremy wanted to see what sort of reaction he might get out of Michael, things had been… off since everything that had happened at the end of last school year. He got one alright. Michael froze, his smile vanishing in an instant, his classic red hoodie decorated with his favorite bands or games looked childish on his suddenly beyond serious face.   
“Who the hell-” the experiment had clearly failed, or maybe it hadn’t because knowing Michael cared was a good thing, not that he had ever doubted that he cared. Either way, it had to be stopped before it spiraled out of control.   
“-with my bedroom floor.” Watching the anger melt into a sort of amused annoyance.  
“You got into a-wha?” Jeremy felt his cheeks flushing in frustration and embarrassment, because, yes, Jeremy Heere was pathetic enough to give himself a bloody nose because he rolled out of his bed. Saying it in his head was bad enough, but the thought of having to explain that to Michael was just embarrassing.   
“I just, I fell. Okay? It’s-it’s not that big of a uh thing, really.” Glancing back at Michael, Jeremy watched his best friends face contort into an evil smirk. It wasn’t that funny!   
“I’m sorry man, I know how killer a floors left hook can be.” Jeremy wanted to try out a left hook on Michael. But the hysterical laughter that erupted from Michael took up all of his mind. Loud noises drew eyes, a school is filled with eyes desperate for the next best gossip. There was no possible way that any of them could have heard what they were talking about. But what if they had? His fight with a floor would spread like a virus taking over a computer… or a brain.   
“Dude, Mike cut it out!” Jeremy awkwardly slumped down even lower than he normally did (if that was actually possible) his hands desperately trying to motion that Michael was making a scene. Pulling himself together, Michael threw an arm around Jeremy’s shoulders, leading him away from the crowd of gawking vultures.   
“Aw, I’m sorry, really. You just look so terrible.” Annoyed, and still throwing nervous glances behind himself, Jeremy pushed Michael’s arm off with a small shove. Michael was taller now, and just, in general, more stable than Jeremy was, so the shove only made him lean a little sideways. Michael didn’t shove back, just looked down at him and raised an eyebrow. “Seriously tho, are you okay, or-?” Jeremy turned his head forward, trying as hard as he could not make eye contact with anyone.   
“No, I mean ya, I’m fine. Just, you know. The uh morning wrestling match didn’t uh didn’t go as planned, y-ya know.”   
“Obviously, didn’t you know the first rule of fighting is like protecting your face or something?”  
“How would you know?” Jeremy knew that not getting hit in the face was a good idea, and besides, it wasn’t like Michael had ever been in a real fight, or even trained in boxing or anything. “And I didn’t do it on purpose, I’m not exactly happy it happened you know.”   
“Yeah, yeah. Right, you’ve got geometry, right?”  
“Uhm yeah-”  
“Cool, see you at lunch. I’d watch out, I hear the doors are being especially aggressive today.” Jeremy could hear himself sputtering in indignation, but Michael was already walking down the hall, throwing up his left arm into the air, giving Jeremy a peace sign as a way of goodbye. While Michael could be incredibly frustrating, he cared. Even when Jeremy wanted to die of embarrassment, or maybe when he was having a panic attack, Michael was always there, He could be blunt, but most best friends are. Aren’t they?   
Geometry class went as expected, horribly. The teacher asked him a few questions he didn’t know how to answer, and after each embarrassing episode he would instinctively reach for his ‘humiliation sheets’ then remember that in an attempt at normality, he had thrown all of them away. For some reason, his stress levels raised when he didn’t have a way of keeping track of just how much his life sucked.   
That had to be a new kind of pathetic. The other two classes he had before lunch went in much of the same way. Though for some luck, no one was talking about the S.Q.U.I.P. incident, so he was safe in that regard. At the end of art class he was genuinely surprised, and a little scared if he was honest, because Jenna Roland, yes, the Jenna Roland decided to stand right in front of his desk.  
“Sup Jason.”   
“Uhm, actual-”  
“Whatever. What happened to your nose?”  
“Uhm well, see, my n-name isn’t Jason i-”  
“Whatever. So, what do you think of the hot new kid?” The who? “What? You’re gay so I figured you might have noticed him.” What?! No, how, why would she think that? Jeremy Heere never even looked at guys, not in that way. Because obviously he looked at guys, but only because they existed in the world and it would be impossible for his eyes not to occasionally graze over them, in a very not romantic way.   
“I’m not gay!” He knew his face was burning, and he was frantically checking his surroundings, making sure no one else had been paying any attention to their conversation.   
“Oh. I thought you were.”  
“No, I-I am not at all, uh, uhm I’m just I’m not gay.” Jenna gave him an ‘I’m not buying the bullcrap you’re spouting’ look.  
“Yeah, whatever. Does your boyfriend know that?”  
“M-my who?” Jenna hitched her backpack higher up her back in annoyance.  
“Michael.”  
“He’s not my-”  
“Whatever. So, did you notice him?” No, why would he have, he was too busy making sure that nobody was looking at him, he hardly had time to look at other people. Or, he had been looking at other people, but not registering who they were, just that their eyes weren’t on him  
“Uhm, well, I didn't”  
“Seriously?” Why was it so crazy that he hadn’t noticed? Jeremy was sure the school had plenty of new kids besides the one boy Jenna Roland happened to notice. “Whatever, see you later.” Without even giving Jeremy a chance to respond, Jenna flounced out of the room. In slight shock and absolute confusion. Jeremy grabbed his stuff and hurried out after her. He wanted to find Michael, or rather. That's just what he did at lunch, He’d find Michael eat with him then continue on with his day. 

Locating Michael during lunch was never hard. He was tall, and always had the same exact red hoodie on. Jeremy just had to check both inside and outside. Michael never sat in the same place, he had missed the course on picking a table then guarding it with your life. But to be fair, Jeremy had missed out on that one too. Instead, Michael wandered about during lunch, drifting through the general eating areas.   
He always had his white headphones on, but Jeremy knew he wasn’t actually listening to music, he just liked the way they felt on his head. Michael was into watching people, and he claimed that any type of noise distracted him. So the headphones served the dual purpose of telling people to fuck off, and effectively giving him the space he needed to watch the crowd. Which sounds creepy, but it really wasn’t when Michael did it. He had a way of making it look casual and cool. Jeremy envied him for that.  
A quick glance around the cafeteria told Jeremy that Michael had decided on being outside. Making his way through the jumble of students all trying to eat, he spotted Michael sitting with his back on a tree while he stuffed his face with some kind of sandwich. He gave off a vibe that just screamed ‘I don’t care what you think’ it made everything seem normal. Because for as much as life had gone back to normal after last year. A small tension had remained between him and Michael.  
Jeremy knew it was his fault. He was the one who had basically abandoned Michael to be, what, cooler? It had been so important at the time, not being shoved about or mocked. But now, Jeremy knew he would never make that mistake again. Still, that didn’t make things perfect right away, there was this thought that lingered unsaid between the two of them. Jeremy needed to prove that Michael could trust him again. It’s crazy because they had been friends for over a decade, and after just one screw up (a pretty big screw up to be fair) it was like rebuilding everything. Almost starting from scratch.   
Walking over as casually as possible, Jeremy sat down next to Michael. Leaving the headphones on, Michael turned his head towards Jeremy.  
“Any windows throw themselves at you?”  
“Ha ha” Jeremy elbowed Michael in the side. He had done that a million times, but he still searched Michael’s face, checking to see if maybe he had done it wrong, or if he wasn’t allowed to do that anymore. Which was dumb, because it wouldn’t bother Michael, because they were best friends, and because Michael did it to him all the time. So it was just Jeremy being classically nervous about small ridiculous things.  
“Something wrong?” trying to offer a slight smile, Jeremy only shrugged.  
“Fine, besides, I mean well, besides my um nose,” Michael smirked at that, leaning his head back against the tree. Jeremy watched his eyes as they scanned the crowd. It was kinda great how Michael could give off the impression of just looking for a friend when really he was just creepily watching everyone do normal stuff.   
“You talked to Christine lately?” He knew the topic would come up, he had gone on a few dates with Christein, but they had both agreed that while they loved being friends (Christine’s words) they were probably better off staying just friends. It had been a little weird at first because he had been pining over her all year. But he had gotten used to the thought, and she really was great to talk to when things got bad.   
She had talked him out of a small panic attack while they were at a mall together, and it had just been nice to know that she got it, and was okay with it. They talked a lot, but more in the way that he and Michael talked a lot. So, a good friend, a great friend.   
“Uhm, yeah. We talk, a bit.” Michael nodded his head, it looked like he was bobbing to a beat rather than responding to Jeremy. “W-we, you know. Hang out a lot.”   
“Cool, so, you weren’t just sitting alone in your room for most of the summer?” Jeremy couldn’t tell if that was supposed to be a low blow. He had spent a lot of the summer hiding in his room. But that was only because he’d been sort of afraid that everyone hated him, or rather that Michael hated him. It wasn’t like he didn’t spend any time with Michael at all, just less than he normally would. And Christine had been a major support. Something was telling him he should feel guilty about going to Christine rather than Michael for a lot of his problems, but he had screwed up enough of Michael’s life without throwing all of his crap on top of that pile.   
“N-no I mean I uh, I was, but I-Christine was just, we-”  
“Chill, don’t have a heart attack.” Jeremy shut his mouth looking down in embarrassment. Was he really still hurting Michael? He had done everything he could to make things better, to put Michael first. “You’re sure someone didn’t punch you?”   
“No-I mean yeah, I just uh was being clumsy I guess.” Michael threw him a sideways glance, his eyes now scanning Jeremy in the way they had been scanning the student body moments before.   
“Right” Michael’s eyes snapped forwards, going back to the crowd, sifting through everyone that walked by.  
“Really, that's what happened, I mean, I haven’t uh you know, seen anyone, so how would I get into a fight?”   
“I don’t know.” A long silence passed between them, not a comfortable friend silence, a silence that told him something was wrong, that Michael wasn’t saying what he really wanted to say. “You, I don’t know, you don’t talk to me anymore-”  
“Wh-what, no we er, we talk all the time?”  
“-no, ah, I mean.” Michael turned his whole head towards Jeremy this time. “Is someone bothering you?” Jeremy didn’t know what to say to that. No, no one was ‘bothering’ him. Why would Michael even think that?  
“No, I told you, that I just fell…” Michael’s face was unreadable, it scrunched up in a tight frown.  
“Right.” he snapped, then abruptly stood up. Jeremy desperately scrolled back through what he could remember of their conversation, where had he screwed up so badly? At what point did he say the wrong thing? Scrambling to his feet, Jeremy jogged to catch up with his best friend, was Michael still his best friend?   
“Hey, Mike, Michael. What, what did I do?” Michael had thrown up the hood of his hoodie, and his arms where shoved in its pockets. Jeremy knew he still hadn’t turned any music on, he was just straight ignoring him. “Michael!” Jeremy flinched when his voice raised above normal, he knew people had started to look in his and Michael’s direction.   
“Why won’t you tell me anything?” Without warning Michael spun on his heels and was nearly nose to nose with Jeremy, his face was ridden with frustration, remorse maybe? “You haven’t told me anything since before that stupid quick thing, and now you come in with your face all fucked up. What. The. Hell. Jeremy!?” Jeremy had no answer. Had he really been that distant with Michael? He had been so worried about bothering him, about getting in his way, dragging him down.  
Jeremy tried to say actual words, but even though his mouth opened he had nothing to say. How did he have nothing to say?   
People were staring now. Who doesn’t love a good fight? Jeremy could feel his hands shaking, and he wished they wouldn’t, he wished that everything was normal, that things weren’t falling apart. Nothing was supposed to be falling apart. Getting rid of that stupid stupid pill was supposed to make everything go back to normal.  
“Am I not good enough-” No, no, of course, Michael was good enough, Michael was too good for Jeremy, this wasn’t really happening, was it? “-for you?”   
“Michael.” Jeremy knew he wasn’t being loud enough, his voice hardly even existed, he needed to say something, he had to fix something.   
“You’re-of course I don’t think-I mean that. You-”   
“Don’t kill yourself over it, I know it’s a hard concept.” Michael’s words came out strong like he was shutting off. His face was very suddenly blank, completely unreadable. “Go hang out with Christine, I hear she’s great.” His voice progressively got lower, like he was giving up on something. Why wasn’t he saying words that made sense? Jeremy wanted to scream, yell that of course Michael was enough, that Michael was more than enough. That Christine was just a friend, that Jeremy hadn’t lied about his stupid nose. But kinda like everything else in his life, he screwed it up.  
He didn’t say anything. And Michael walked away. Just walked away. Actually walked away. At this point in the movie, the screen fades to black, no one ever explains what you do after you’ve been yelled at in a very public place. So there he stood, the whole world staring at him open-mouthed. He could already hear the whispers spreading all around him. What was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to get out of this?  
The need to run, to crumble into nothing to just vanish was overwhelming. It wasn’t just his hands that shook anymore, it was everything. The world was shaking violently around him. Nothing was real, nothing was actually happening. Because he had to be dreaming because this WAS NOT REAL. His breathing slowed for an instant, then it started to speed up, this was typical, this was his normal. He was having a panic attack, in public without Michael there to tell people to fuck off. Jeremy knew now was not the time to shut down, he had to get out of the public eye, away from the prying eyes of his peers.   
Forcing his legs to move, he slowly managed to walk forward. A bathroom seemed as good a place as any to fall apart, so he did his best to remember where they were located around the building. Which one would be the least populated? He needed to figure out what the hell had just happened. Because everything had gone like a normal school day, he had been slightly humiliated in math class, called gay after art class and then he had gone to find Michael and eat lunch. So what had gone wrong? His nose?


	2. Jeremy in the Bathroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy manages to blunder his way through the summer after the S.Q.U.I.P. incident, but while he was struggling with his own self-loathing and PTSD. He started distancing himself from Michael, it wasn't fair to drag his best friend down with him, right? Of course not, he had already hurt Michael far more than he ever wanted, so there was no way in hell he would get Michael involved in his steadily declining mental state. That was the right choice, his only option. Wasn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has waited patiently for this chapter!  
> I got more support than I thought I would, so I appreciate everyone who left kudos!   
> Trigger Warning!  
> This chapter deals with depression, anxiety, and some self-hate.

Chapter Two  
Jeremy in the Bathroom

 

Jeremy had never been claustrophobic, he had never had a problem with small spaces or feeling like the walls were closing in on him. But sitting on a toilet in the boys' bathroom in a small stall, he finally understood what that feeling was like. He couldn’t breathe, could hardly keep his thoughts straight, and with every second he felt as though the whole world was getting smaller, surrounding him, trying to smoke him out.   
Jeremy wasn’t sure how he had managed to make it into the bathroom at all. So many people had just watched him as he tried to calmly walk away from his complete and utter humiliation. It was his worst nightmare mixed with his… other worst nightmare. He had lost Michael, was that what had happened? had he just lost Michael, in front of the entire school? Jeremy had done everything he could to not lose Michael. But, it hadn’t been enough. He had made sure that he didn’t push his problems on him because he had just solved Jeremy’s main problem the S.Q.U.I.P. So why would he then pile on more problems?  
The end of last school year had been hard, and strange. Spending time with Michael had become awkward and difficult. Not for a lack of trying, but things had just gotten so massively screwed up, and neither of them knew what to say or do. Then came in Christine, she had just been easier to talk to. She understood and had tried to help him find ways to reconnect with Michael, and in some messed up awful way, she was part of the reason that he no longer had Michael. Because Michael walking away, just leaving him in the middle of a billion eyes meant that he no longer had Michael. So, he was alone.   
Jeremy could feel his vision going blurry, but he head already humiliated himself beyond belief and crying was just not an option. Trying to keep his arm steady, he quickly wiped away any wetness that might have evolved into tears. He needed to be rational. Jeremy made himself stand, and after a quick check around the outside of his stall, the bathroom was blessedly empty. Grabbing his backpack off the hook he stood, staring blankly into the mirror. It reflected his disheveled self perfectly. His face was blotchy and red, his nose was bruising, but only on the left side.   
His eyes looked dead. If someone walked in, they would be able to tell he had been crying or almost crying. Shuffling over to a sink, he grabbed a handful of paper towels and splashed water onto his burning face. It felt, nice. The cold water forcing his skin to cool down. He had gotten into fights with Michael before, but they had always been in private, or over video games or other stupid stuff like that.   
This time was different because even when Michael was pissed at him, he knew how much Jeremy hated public attention, he would pull him aside or whisper. Not full out yell and freak out where everyone could see. But, he probably deserved it, because he had probably been a horrible friend. Not probably, he had been. And Jeremy didn’t know how to fix it. How to do anything at all really. Rubbing his face dry with the paper towels Jeremy looked up at himself again. He looked so, so-so scrawny and pitiful. And he hated it. He hated how he had been so desperate that he had taken a pill that ruined literally everything.   
That pill that convinced him to ditch his best friend, his only friend. No. He needed to stop, because thinking about how much of a failure he was just made that stupid wetness in his eyes come back. Rubbing at his eyes with the palms of his hands, Jeremy turned away from the mirror, he needed out.  
“Shit, sorry!” Jeremy stumbled backward after the sudden impact. The world just loved him, didn’t it? “Uh-Jerry, right?” Jeremy, rubbing his hands on the back of his pants, looked at the person he had just crashed into. He was tall, broad, kinda jock looking. Dark skin with a sheepish smile plastered on his face. Was that the second time someone had walked up to him and screwed up his name? It wasn’t a hard name to remember…   
“No, it’s uh Jeremy, actually.” The boy laughed nervously, scratching at the back of his neck.   
“Sorry, it’s my first day, so I don’t know everyone in my classes yet-” They shared a class? Jeremy couldn’t remember him, which class? “-I-uh sorry.” Realizing his mouth was hanging open, Jeremy snapped it shut. He needed to say something because according to society staring creepily at someone you just meet isn’t acceptable behavior.  
“Ah, no I, ran into you-so, I’m sorry…” His voice faded away as he awkwardly fumbled about with his backpack straps.   
“Right, uh I’m Benji” He stuck out his hand for Jeremy to shake. Jeremy hated handshakes because in some messed up way they represented something. How strong is your grip, how many times do you shake, are your hands sweaty or sticky. Taking a quick breath he took the risk of grabbing Benji’s hand. So, what do you say after a handshake? He had already given Benji his name, so what did he say next?   
“What happened to your nose?” The question was already getting on his nerves, did the whole world really need to know he had face planted this morning? No, it didn’t! His embarrassing moments at home were supposed to stay at home. Like the times Jeremy would be screaming Disney show tunes at the top of his lungs. That wasn’t even that bad, because he knew that Christine did that for sure, you could just tell by looking at her. But, it was still his secret. Taking a deep breath he tried to shrug it off.  
“Oh, I uh. Ran into something.” The silence that lasted after his lame explanation was pretty darn loud for being soundless.   
“Cool pin.” Benji gestured to a pin that Jeremy had attached to his left backpack strap. It was a metal triforce, from The Legend of Zelda glancing at it through the side of his eye Jeremy shrugged a bit.   
“Uhm, thanks. You-you play Nintendo?” Benji looked up from the pin and nodded.  
“Yeah, I grew up on that shit, I’m still growing up with it come to think about it.” It was kinda weird, that Benji actually wanted to talk to him, he was initiating the conversation. Jeremy would have just awkwardly sidled away, but he wanted to talk. That was, new.   
“Nice.” And great, nice? Really, nice? Who casually says ‘nice!’ with no way to continue the conversation. Especially when Benji was actually communicating with him, nobody ever took the time to communicate, except Michael, and Christine. But not Michael anymore.   
“Don’t, uh, don’t go thinking I’m a creep or anything-” Jeremy frowned a bit, why would he? “I, uh followed you in here.” Great, the only person who wanted to talk to him was a creep. Just his luck, was the world out to pound him into dust today? “Not in a-ah I see how that might sound totally creepy. But, I didn’t follow you in a creepy I want to… attack you way.”  
“Oh-” Jeremy couldn’t think of anything else to say, what does someone say to that? It’s the sort of thing that you run away from, even normal people would feel uncomfortable in this situation, and he wasn’t normal, anxiety exists and his was currently skyrocketing.   
“You were kinda speed walking, you looked upset, I guess…” Benji was pity friending him? Jeremy’s face must have shown his hurt because Benji waved his hands about in useless gestures. “Uhm, this all came out really wrong.” Yeah, it did. Funny how people only try to act nice when it might go on their resume. What, did someone pay him to try and talk to the freak? “I just. Isn’t it like my civic duty to make sure my fellow human is okay?” Jeremy stared pointedly at the floor, because why face reality when you can pretend it doesn’t exist?  
“Yeah, when there’s, like-a a car crash or something…” It was just beyond his mind’s ability to comprehend. Jeremy felt like maybe he was drowning. Drowning in abandonment, isolation.   
“So.” Frowning, Jeremy dragged his eyes off the floor and up to Benji’s.   
“Uh- yes?” Benji gave what he must have assumed as a reassuring smile, but it looked more pained than it did comforting.  
“Did you get in a car accident?” Benji chuckled a bit at his own, was it a joke? Jeremy couldn’t help the fact that his face lightened a bit, it was a dumb thing to say, but it was the funny kind of dumb.  
“Uh, no. Sorry to uhm disappoint.”   
“No-not disappointed at all actually, because that would, really suck if you had. You know, been in a car crash.” Benji broke the link between their eyes, pretending to find a sink interesting.   
“I should get to, get to class.” Was talking with people always this awkward, Benji had clearly wanted to talk, was it Jeremy just being awkward and as Michael would say ‘impersinable’ he was the one who decided to end the conversation. Was it just his life goal to chase people away? To stay just, alone.   
“Oh, yeah. Sorry, I didn’t mean to like, hold you up.”  
“No, it’s um it’s fine I just, I have to, go, to uhm…” Benji laughed again.  
“Yeah, me too. Do you, have a phone number, or like a snapchat or-” Fumbling with his backpack, Jeremy unzipped the front pocket and pulled out his phone. Michael had bought him the case three years ago, it was plain black, but Michael had written Player 2 in silver sharpie on it. For a moment all Jeremy could do was stare blankly at it. Michael had a matching one, his just said player 1 instead. The process of deciding their roles had just been Michael claiming player one, then telling Jeremy that he was his player 2. It happened years ago, it wasn’t even really a decision, it had just happened. It was just a part of their lives.   
“You don’t have to give me your number if you don’t want to, it was just so that, you know we could talk outside of class, or even school. It doesn’t-”  
“No-no, uh sorry. I just got distracted. Here, put yours in my phone.” Jeremy handed Benji his phone and watched as the, now that Jeremy was actually looking at him, massive boy typed his number into Jeremy’s phone.   
“Cool, uh, text me.”   
“Yeah, right, sure.” For a few seconds, they just stared at each other. They sort of nodded as a weird goodbye, then Benji stepped sideways so that Jeremy could make his getaway through the bathroom door.   
That went, better than expected. Jeremy looked down at his phone as he slowly walked in the direction of the gym locker rooms. He had been adding a lot of new contacts recently, Christine’s, Jake’s, Rich’s Chloe’s he even had Brooke’s number. Now Benji’s. It was kinda great, but, apparently, when you're experiencing a crushing sense of failure it’s hard to be happy about running into a cool new person in the bathroom.   
Michael’s number was at the top of his messages, the top of literally everything on his phone, Christine was second, but not a close one. Trying hard to remember to breathe slowly, Jeremy shuffled his way into the room filled with male testosterone and massive egos. He still hadn’t figured out why anyone would want to put kids through the traumatizing experience of a high school locker room. Yeah, it was classic, but it was true. Jeremy hated the glorified changing rooms almost more than he hated the S.Q.U.I.P. Almost, but not quite.   
He had shared a gym class with Michael last year, so it hadn’t been so weird, because he had a friend to screw around with. But this year he had no idea who he might be forced to work out with. Not that it mattered, because he was just going to try and stay unnoticed and untalked about. Besides, the bell hadn’t rung to signal the end of lunch yet, so he would be the only one in the room for at least a few more minutes. Frowning, Jeremy tried to remember any of the classes that he and Michael had together.  
Normally every year without fail Jeremy forced Michael to meet up with him and check their class schedules. He hadn’t done that this year. The thought hadn’t even crossed his mind, that was probably one of the many reasons Michael hated him now, he forgot about the simplest things. But even though they were simple, it’s the small things that matter the most. Jeremy wanted to smack himself for being so clueless, so oblivious! That most likely wasn’t the only thing that he and Michael did together that he had forgotten about in recent history.   
He really was just a shitty friend, and Michael had had every right to yell at him while all those people had been watching. He deserved worse, how could he not remember that stupid stupid class sync-up routine. It wasn’t stupid. It was what best friends did. Jeremy felt like he wanted to vomit, his stomach clenching and unclenching at alarming speeds. The first day of school was always hard, but this was more than hard. This was more like the first day in prison, definitely prison because in a few minutes he would be surrounded by a bunch of sweaty boys.

The rest of the day went normally if you could call Michael ignoring him in the halls normal. Which, he couldn’t no matter how he thought about it. Jeremy felt so alone the first time Michael had truly ignored him. After the fight, even though he had basically lost it, something in him had held onto the hope that by the end of the day Michael would be over it and talking to him again. But he wasn’t talking to him, in fact, he was purposely ignoring Jeremy.   
That almost hurt more than getting publicly humiliated. The cold unfeeling eyes that refused to look at him, it was like getting punched in the gut, with a knife. Over and over again. By the end of the last class, Jeremy thought he had lost more than half of the blood in his body due to the knife refusing to let his wound heal. He thought the world might slow down, or go hazy, but it didn’t. It just kept going about everything at a normal rate. Which was worse, because it meant that no one else cared. It meant that the world could go on whether Michael bothered to be his friend or not.   
Walking down the hall towards the schools' exit was like a death march, he automatically looked for Michael in the crowd, but couldn’t find him. That was for the better though, because Michael would have just rejected him again. The mulling bunch of kids all trying to leave as quickly as possible started to drag him along when suddenly someone tapped his shoulder. Jerking around, Jeremy felt his face fall as he realized it wasn’t Michael. Just Christine. He hadn’t really expected it to be Michael, but he had wanted it to be.  
“Sup, Jeremy!” Her peppy voice forced all other thoughts out of Jeremy's mind. This was why he enjoyed talking with her, she had this amazing way of making the best of every situation. Her smile was perfect, the way she dressed was just so, so, well, yeah. Perfect. Her wavy black hair was pulled up into a messy bun, and she wore sneakers with Shakespearean curse words. It was cute, in a totally platonic way!   
“Oh, hey Christine!” He threw on a smile, hoping it might hide the disappointment he had first greeted her with. She gave him a charming laugh in return, not an ‘I’m laughing at you’ laugh. A sweet friendly laugh shared between two people just talking.   
“What happened to your face?” A concerned furrow of her eyebrows replaced the giddy grin she had been wearing. She reached up a hand like she might touch Jeremy’s nose just to see if it was actually real. Jeremy beat her to it, gently placing his fingers over the bruised area. It hurt when he applied pressure, but it was okay when left alone.  
“Nothing, I mean don’t even worry about it.” He tried to laugh it off like it was a stupid story he didn’t want to tell, though, that was exactly what it was. Christine looked unsure of this response, but apparently, she decided it wasn’t worth pressing him for. Letting a smile drift slowly back over her face, Christine’s eyes went up from his nose to his eyes.   
“So, I wanted to ask you something, because you know, we had so much fun last year, and I think that it could totally be way better this year!” Jeremy tried to think what she was going on about, had so much fun?  
“What?” Christine laughed again, blushing. She was perfect-ly a regular friend.  
“I’m sorry, I got sooo ahead of myself. I just get so excited when I talk about it!” how could anyone be so enthusiastic? It was inspiring, it made Jeremy want to want anything that bad. He wanted Michael that bad. “I meant the school play!!” Duh, how was that not what he immediately thought of. She was trying to recruit him for another year of play-acting.   
“Yeah, I mean sure!” Christine bounced up and down like an excited kid who just got on a sugar high.   
“Oh!! That’s so great, you’ll be great at it! I mean, you were great last year, but I just mean that you’ll do even better this year. That’s what’s so great about plays, you just get better and better with each show! It’s sooo amazing!” Jeremy just smiled, trying to keep up with her rapid-fire response. He needed this, someone who could just make today feel less like a zero and more like a three out of ten. Which, in retrospect wasn’t the best, but it was an improvement. Regardless, Christine was exactly what he needed.   
“Yeah!” He said, trying hard to seem just as excited about the play as she was.   
“Come on-” Christine grabbed his arm and started dragging Jeremy away from the exit, “-let’s go put our names on the list now, the tryouts for the parts are next week, this year we are doing Newsies but not like the new Disney version or whatever that is, like the real deal I know none of the lead roles are girl parts, but I think I can change that.” She just kept going, but it wasn’t annoying or anything, it was great just listening to her. Being with someone who wasn’t in some way involved in the days earlier theatrics.   
“AHH, there it is! I can’t wait, I’ve already started looking at the script, well, I’ve already read the whole thing. But, I mean it’s so amazing!” She sang the word amazing as she skipped up to the board with the play signup sheet. Her bun bounced about on the top of her head, her left foot kicking backward as she signed her name in big loopy letters. She was so shamelessly herself, Jeremy knew he would never achieve that level of confidence. But it was nice to watch it in action. Capping the pen she used, Christine twirled around to face Jeremy and held it out to him.  
“Your turn!!” She tilted her lips into a gentle smile as she clicked her heels. Taking the offered pen, Jeremy made his way to the paper, he didn’t sign it with the flare that Christine had, and his handwriting was a sloppy print, but, he signed it, so that was all that mattered. Christine gave an excited squeal from behind him and threw her arms around his waist. “We are going to have sooooo much fun, Jeremy! This year is going to be perfect!”  
Spinning around him she stared at the signup sheet like she could make it suddenly fill up with names. It only had five signatures at the moment. “Jeremy-” Her eyes stayed trained on the paper. “-I know last year was all complicated and confusing.” To put it lightly, “But I want to move on, I want to get past all of it.” She sounded almost sad. Christine was never sad. But when she turned to face him, her smile was as wide as it always was. “I’m going to make this year better, and I know you can do the same!” Christine gave him a warm excited look.  
Jeremy wanted to be excited, he wanted to agree and laugh with her. But this year wasn’t going to be fun, this year already sucked. For as long as he could remember, his best, his only friend had been Michael. Just because he had a few more familiar faces to talk with, didn’t mean that he could go on without Michael. It just meant he would suffer silently while everyone around him enjoyed their school year. Jeremy wanted to scream, or rewind time. Anything to make the sick feeling in his stomach go away.

Home was by far worse than school. At least when he was at school he could focus on school, or other people or other things. Home just made his situation more real, he couldn’t deny it anymore. Michael hadn’t texted him or called him, or anything. His dad was still at work, so he didn’t even have the distraction of family at home. His dad wasn’t perfect, but knowing he was there just made things easier. Knowing he wasn’t completely and utterly alone in the place he called home was just comforting.  
His dad had gotten better, he still refused to wear pants at home, but his job was stable, and he grocery shopped and checked up on Jeremy at least once a day. Which was, yeah, the bare minimum, but just a few months ago it had been almost nonexistent. So it was better, the progress was slow, but it was without a doubt better. It made things feel more normal, made him feel less alone. But even if his dad’s presence was comforting, it would never get close to being a half decent replacement for Michael.  
It wasn’t personal. Jeremy loved his dad, but parents aren’t the same as friends. They don’t understand you in the same way. Their job is to protect and provide, so being a friend isn’t really an option for them. Or at least not for his dad. He didn’t know about moms, because she had always been distracted with herself, and her own life. Jeremy remembered constantly being brushed off so that she could continue talking on the phone.  
Michael’s moms were different than his. Michael’s moms cared. He remembered being little and going over, they always had these big smiles and Lauren would always ask about his day while Carel cooked dinner or ordered takeout. Michael complained that they could be overprotective, but Jeremy couldn’t help but wonder if he might prefer overprotective to just never being there. Sitting alone on his bed made him want an adult who cared, it didn’t have to be his mom. He didn’t really want to see her ever again, just somebody who didn’t ask what was wrong, somebody who would just sit with him, or hug him. So what if he was sixteen, it didn’t mean he magically hated affection from a paternal figure.   
Jeremy checked his phone again, he had a message from Rich. It was an invite to some party. Even after Rich get rid of his S.Q.U.I.P. he still enjoyed partying and hanging out with friends. He made his life his own. Jeremy couldn’t figure out how to do that, he envied Rich’s ability to bounce back to normal so quickly. He was still cool! He was different, he was geekier and acted more like a normal teenager, but he had stayed cool. Like, how? Not that Jeremy had ever really been that cool, but whatever coolness he might have had, he promptly lost and there was no sign that he would be getting it back anytime soon.  
Typing up a quick excuse as to why he should stay locked alone in his room for the rest of eternity, Jeremy placed his phone down on his nightstand. It was nice, Rich inviting him out. Rich had been trying to get him to go out all summer, but Jeremy hated parties, they made him queasy. Too much happened at that one during Halloween. It really was a crippling fear. He had no idea how Rich ever went to them, he had well really goofed up at the one in October. You know, by burning the whole house down! Yet, without fail, he still went to house parties or figured out how to sneak into bars. Jeremy couldn’t do it. The bodies, the smell. It all made him remember moments in time that he would rather forget.   
He wondered if Michael felt the same way. He had never bothered to ask him. Just another way Jeremy had failed. How had he never asked Michael how he felt about everything. They had apologized and did the bullshit that you do after you mess up. But they didn’t address their issues, neither of them had bothered to make sure the other was okay. That wasn’t true. Michael had asked him if he was okay. Michael had tried to talk with him all summer, and what did Jeremy do. Avoid him, deny him, hide from him.  
Far too cowardly to face up to his problems. Maybe none of it mattered. Maybe he could just stay curled up in his room in the dark for the rest of his life. Why not? He was already miserable, at least if he never moved again nothing could hurt him. He had kept it together all day, but Jeremy had reached his breaking point. Fat, wet tears streaked down his face as he stared out his window. The sun was going to be completely down soon. Maybe, it wouldn’t come back up. Maybe he could just be free of the stupid S.Q.U.I.P. The stupid reality that everything he did ruined his life, his friendships.  
He lay still, his body only moving with his silents sobs. Jeremy desperately wanted someone, no, he wanted his dad to be home. He wanted Michael to hold him like he held him when his mom left. He wanted Christine to laugh, and just place her gentle hands on his shoulders. He wanted Rich to say something stupid too try and lighten the mood. He wanted to know that if he waited long enough that there would be something good waiting for him on the other side of whatever hell he was trapped in.  
But wanting those things would never be enough. He heard his dad getting home and stomping around the house. He called for Jeremy, but Jeremy stayed still in his bed. Getting up was so much effort. His dad came up the stairs and peeked in his bedroom. Jeremy did his best to even out his breathing and give off the appearance of restful sleep. His dad walked slowly into the room, standing over Jeremy for a few seconds before he leaned down and kissed the side of his head, right above his ear.  
“I love you, Jeremy.” Tapping his shoulder lightly and sighing loudly into the darkness of Jeremy’s bedroom. He made his way out, silently shutting the door. Jeremy couldn’t remember the last time his dad had shown any kind of affection, much less a kiss. It wasn’t weird or creepy, it was what he had been longing for over three years. It was what he had needed most as his mind went spiraling into nothingness. He might be sixteen, he might be too old to show that he cared, so what? Maybe, just maybe he could get through all of this. Because if his dad was willing to make the first move. Jeremy Heere was willing to reciprocate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually had this chapter finished a few days after I posted the first one, but I wanted to take my time with editing. I also promised myself I wouldn't publish the next chapter without starting on the third one. So there for sure will be another chapter coming soon!
> 
> The story will be visiting some very dark themes a little later on, so just be warned!
> 
> In the meantime, please please leave comments! I want to know what everyone thinks! Also hitting the Kudos button wouldn't hurt either :) Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction, so I'm sorry if it isn't that great! I'm an avid writer and Be More Chill just resonated with me so much, that I had to write something about it. I do have an end goal in mind, so this isn't going to be one of those fanfictions that just keeps on going. As sad as it is to say that.   
> I will try to do an update once a week, if I can do more than that, I will, but don't get your hopes up. My 'release date' will probably be around Monday, so if you're jumping on the train late, that's about the time you shall see the next chapter.  
> This is a fairly serious story, while it will have it's fluff moments, I intend to delve deep into some serious and hard topics. I will put trigger warnings on the chapters that cover those deeper topics.   
> Thank you for reading, be sure to recommend it to your friends, and don't forget to 'like' it. Please and thank you!  
> (Don't be afraid to leave comments, and if you have any questions I would be happy to answer them!)


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